Random thoughts pt 6

Wow, I can't believe it's been a whole month since I posted something. I kept meaning to, but life got in the way, and I have spent a lot of time thinking, trying to collect my thoughts into a valid post on one topic, and I can't seem to get there. I have a lot of random things going on in my life, a lot of ideas and opinions, and I feel...conflicted. I don't like feeling like this because, in the past, it has been one of the major factors that contributes to major anxiety and moving. (Like boxing up the house and starting over in a new city moving, not an increase in physical activity.)

First of all, let me reiterate that I hate conflict and drama. I am happiest when things are running smoothly, I only have to interact with people I like, and everyone else around me is on good terms with one another. Conflict makes me uncomfortable. It bothers me even more if anything I've said or done is considered to be a source of conflict. I try to be very accommodating of others, but I also have a rule about not being fake - honesty is always best, even if it's not what someone wants to hear.

I decided to stop drinking, for a while at least. Ever since I started my medication it's had a weird sort of effect on me - my tolerance is all over the place, and as such it's not fun because I don't know whether I'm going to have four drinks and be fine or two and be blacked out and falling down. Besides, watching other people get drunk is always fun.  (Not to mention the added bonus of saving money...)

I pierced my nose! Hooray! Pictures soon, I have a couple on my phone but nothing spectacular...plus I don't feel like trying to get them off of it right now.

Josh traveled during April, and I had to drive him to the airport (an hour away) and pick him up. I also went out and shopped alone, and went to the bar and ate, and then came home alone after dark. All of these things are ridiculously huge victories for me, and they all happened within a four day time span. I can't even begin to express how proud I am of myself. I did not have a single anxiety attack while he was gone.

On the flip side, though, that week threw off my cooking/eating schedule, and it's been a mess ever since. (Well, okay, for the past two weeks.) I hope to take this weekend (and by that I mean Sunday, we have plans for this evening and tomorrow) to re-instate my menu planning, get some groceries, and get back into the groove.

Because my body is a lightening rod for the strange and ridiculous (seriously, how many other people do you know whose bruises scar, or who've broken their ankle in the deep end of a swimming pool?) I seem to have gotten a slight case of poison ivy the other day when I was outside cleaning Willows cage. The strangest part, though, is that it's only on my stomach, and I was totally wearing clothes the whole time.

I've been busy doing other stuff and haven't gotten around to sewing or doing anything crafty in a while, but it's not really bothering me. I mean, I want to, still, obviously, but it's not something I'm avoiding because I'm depressed (in fact, my medication seems to be working quite well!) so I'm not sad about it. Does that make sense? I'm just busy with life...and that's ok.

I do want to get outside and work on my table and chairs, though. I tried one day, and managed to clean the chairs off pretty good, but by the next day they were completely yellow again! Plus, until last week I'd been kind of stubborn and not wanting to admit that allergies were getting the best of me, but now that I'm taking something for them, I can breathe, and see, and think again!

Josh has switched from DJing on Thursdays to Saturdays, so that's fun. Saturdays are busier, and he's so happy when people are out dancing and enjoying what he's playing.

Emotional exhaustion

Anxiety attacks are so depleting. They take so much raw energy, so much emotion, but afterwards, even if there has been no resolution to the problem(s) you were stressed out about, you're so exhausted from the anxiety attack itself that it's typically easier to rest then.

Or at least that's been my experience with them.

I am supposed to be gone right now. Driving Josh to the airport, sending him off on the first business trip he's had to take in two years, but instead I'm sitting home, trying to keep my knee from swelling up even more, and wishing that anxiety was a curable disease...and that I was cured.

What actually set me off is not the fact that he was leaving, though, I'm okay with that; what I'm not okay with is the idea of having to drive to and from Little Rock (I've only been once, Josh drove and we just went to Whole Foods and back) alone. I'm good with directions, and have driven all over the place, from South Texas to Pittsburgh, and everywhere in between, but usually not alone. Plus, my knee is really messed up, worse than I initially thought it was, and being in a car that long would have been terribly uncomfortable.

I feel bad about it, but in a few ways it is more convenient this way. Less gas, less wear on the car, and I don't have to be worried about picking him up, and flight delays, and what not. He'll just drive himself home when he gets in.

I won't be stuck without a car, though, my parents are coming up later today, and they'll stay until Thursday...so I'll be alone (with the animals) until this afternoon, then again on Thursday for a few more hours. No big deal. Even if they weren't coming, I don't think I would have minded being car-less for a few days, not like I'm the type to run around and do stuff alone.

My appointment with the orthopedic specialist isn't until the 25th of this month, but if things get too much worse I may end up back at the regular doctors office before then. It's not really that it's painful, in fact the only time it really hurts is when I twist it to the side, it's just uncomfortable. It feels tight, almost like it needs to pop, but it's popped multiple times and that never seems to relieve any of the pressure. The only way I can describe it is like a rubber band that's stretched too far. It also kind of feels like my thigh muscle is pushing on my knee. It's gross, and weird, and I'm tired of it.

But despite all of that I am really looking forward to spending some time with my parents this week! Hopefully I'll be able to do something other than just sit around all week, my mom and I have a wonderful tradition of shopping that I can't imagine us not participating in any time we're together. ;)

We also have to go to ReStore, I have a few bags to donate, and my mom said she was bringing a few bags of clothes that someone gave her so that I could look through and see if anything struck my fancy, and if not we'd just donate all that too. I haven't done anything else since I hemmed up those shorts last week, there's nowhere for me to elevate my leg when I'm sitting at my craft table.

Josh got to DJ again on Thursday night. He could have on Friday too, but he wasn't scheduled too, so he was drinking...and he didn't want to embarrass himself. He ended up doing that anyway, mostly just because he gets ridiculous when he's drunk, but that's not nearly as bad as messing up a music set in front of a crowd of drunk people trying to dance. Then, he passed out in the car, and only woke up to tell me what a great pace I had going, and how well I was passing everyone without bumping them. (We were the only people on the road the whole way home.) I think he's been watching too much Nascar!

I'm making pancakes for my parents this week, I think I'm going to try the apple ones, so hopefully I remember to document the recipe and post it. I'm going to go finish trying to make almond butter now, and then hopefully get some rest before my parents get here!

P.S. If you're into dance music, Josh finally made a fan page on facebook...he posted a video I took the other night, and he's going to be adding some mixes soon so check it out!