Wow, I can't believe it's been a whole month since I posted something. I kept meaning to, but life got in the way, and I have spent a lot of time thinking, trying to collect my thoughts into a valid post on one topic, and I can't seem to get there. I have a lot of random things going on in my life, a lot of ideas and opinions, and I feel...conflicted. I don't like feeling like this because, in the past, it has been one of the major factors that contributes to major anxiety and moving. (Like boxing up the house and starting over in a new city moving, not an increase in physical activity.)
First of all, let me reiterate that I hate conflict and drama. I am happiest when things are running smoothly, I only have to interact with people I like, and everyone else around me is on good terms with one another. Conflict makes me uncomfortable. It bothers me even more if anything I've said or done is considered to be a source of conflict. I try to be very accommodating of others, but I also have a rule about not being fake - honesty is always best, even if it's not what someone wants to hear.
I decided to stop drinking, for a while at least. Ever since I started my medication it's had a weird sort of effect on me - my tolerance is all over the place, and as such it's not fun because I don't know whether I'm going to have four drinks and be fine or two and be blacked out and falling down. Besides, watching other people get drunk is always fun. (Not to mention the added bonus of saving money...)
I pierced my nose! Hooray! Pictures soon, I have a couple on my phone but nothing spectacular...plus I don't feel like trying to get them off of it right now.
Josh traveled during April, and I had to drive him to the airport (an hour away) and pick him up. I also went out and shopped alone, and went to the bar and ate, and then came home alone after dark. All of these things are ridiculously huge victories for me, and they all happened within a four day time span. I can't even begin to express how proud I am of myself. I did not have a single anxiety attack while he was gone.
On the flip side, though, that week threw off my cooking/eating schedule, and it's been a mess ever since. (Well, okay, for the past two weeks.) I hope to take this weekend (and by that I mean Sunday, we have plans for this evening and tomorrow) to re-instate my menu planning, get some groceries, and get back into the groove.
Because my body is a lightening rod for the strange and ridiculous (seriously, how many other people do you know whose bruises scar, or who've broken their ankle in the deep end of a swimming pool?) I seem to have gotten a slight case of poison ivy the other day when I was outside cleaning Willows cage. The strangest part, though, is that it's only on my stomach, and I was totally wearing clothes the whole time.
I've been busy doing other stuff and haven't gotten around to sewing or doing anything crafty in a while, but it's not really bothering me. I mean, I want to, still, obviously, but it's not something I'm avoiding because I'm depressed (in fact, my medication seems to be working quite well!) so I'm not sad about it. Does that make sense? I'm just busy with life...and that's ok.
I do want to get outside and work on my table and chairs, though. I tried one day, and managed to clean the chairs off pretty good, but by the next day they were completely yellow again! Plus, until last week I'd been kind of stubborn and not wanting to admit that allergies were getting the best of me, but now that I'm taking something for them, I can breathe, and see, and think again!
Josh has switched from DJing on Thursdays to Saturdays, so that's fun. Saturdays are busier, and he's so happy when people are out dancing and enjoying what he's playing.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
03 May, 2013
20 February, 2013
Fantastical.
Last year I pinned/posted a lot of 'around the house' type things,
home-improvement projects and the like, and that was cool and all (still
is, I mean), but for some reason I just feel like this year of my life
is going to be geared more towards fashion.
I think it's what I've always loved, but for some reason was too scared to really express. I don't know if that makes sense. Like, when I was younger, obviously my parents bought my clothes, and I wasn't that great at shopping. I read Lucky, and Teen Vogue, and would cut out stuff I liked and paste it onto printer paper and make 'inspirations sheets' (aka mood-boards, and now, pinterest), but my style has always been sort of eclectic, and a lot of times my interpretation didn't turn out the way I imagined it, and I'd get frustrated and just end up wearing jeans and t-shirts from ropa, and spending the majority of my shopping budget on nice purses and shoes.
In the past few years, though, my justification for not expressing my love for fashion has been more superficial: I've felt like I'm too fat to deserve to wear nice stuff. I know that's kind of ridiculous, but it's true. I justified it all sorts of ways, mostly by claiming it was a tactic to save money (which, if you know about my addiction to Marc Jacobs sunglasses, you would know is not in my character.) Now, of course, I realize that I've had it all backwards; wearing nice things at any size is what gives you confidence, because feeling like you look good really does make a huge difference. Of course I would figure that out after losing weight, and while on a shopping strike. Oh well...I guess the up side to it is that I don't have too many things that I'll be conflicted about having to get rid of, or worry about altering.
What really sucks, though, is that while I feel like I have finally identified my personal style, and come into my own, so to speak, I can't do anything about it at the moment, because I am still losing weight rather consistently, and should continue to do so for the next 8 - 10 months (ideally), so I don't need to spend money on really nice stuff that I won't be able to wear for very long. (Sunglasses don't count. Those will fit forever.)
Well, on a completely different note, do you like how I talked about things being weird, and the next few months being...unpredictable, and then proceeded to post nearly every day and not mention any of that again? Haha! Well, the two Situations are still looming, but the unpleasant one turned out to be a little less unpleasant than we first thought, and the second is still exciting, and still in the works, but...well, there's really nothing we can do about either of them now...other than cut back on our spending. Which we're bad at. Really bad at.
One thing you should never do, apparently, is type 'Marc Jacobs' into the search box on pinterest...because you will, inevitably, buy something. And even if it's on sale, it's stillprobably moderately expensive absolutely necessary for life and a totally justified purchase.
Sorry, I think my dogs disgusting fart muddled my brain for a minute there.
Since Aaron was here the past few days, him and Josh have been joined at the hip so I've been doing my own thing (when I wasn't cooking food for two humans that can really put it away!), which has mostly consisted of dumping a lot of junk from my childhood, and designating even more stuff to be donated. I did, however, manage to pack away all my winter boots (ironic, since we're under a winter weather/ice accumulation advisory over the next couple of days) and vacuum approximately 2 square feet of my bedroom. It's progress. I did a lot of laundry and a lot of dishes, so don't judge me!
When I was in high school, I would let people write on my pants. It started with one boy (duhh) who drew a skull (♥) and then, in an effort to disguise my insanely obvious favoritism, I had to let other people write/draw too. And then it became my trademark, and everyone had to write on me. (I would like to say it never got weird, but it kind of did, and I kind of liked it.) Well, the point of all this is that I found the one pair of pants that managed to survive, and am conflicted on what to do with them. I'm pretty sure no one out there wants a pair of pants that says 'This leg belongs to Fred" on the back left thigh, or "I CRAP PURPLE!" in purple sharpie...on the butt. And yet I can't bring myself to throw them away...they're so much more valuable to me than the normal stuff like yearbooks or even pictures. I think I'm keeping them. Ugh. Now I just need to figure out how to fold them up tiny enough to fit into my memory box.
Ever since I opened up and talked about my past, I've slept better, and not had any more weird dreams about where I grew up. I'm glad I got it all off my chest; it really was about time, I guess. It's amazing how immediate the reaction was. Two weeks ago thinking about that place would have made me angry, scared, and probably given me an anxiety attack, but today I am indifferent; it's there, I know some people there, but it's just a place; it can't hurt me, it never could, and I am not defined by it.
Wow, it's almost 5 am. That really snuck up on me. I should probably get some sleep.
I think it's what I've always loved, but for some reason was too scared to really express. I don't know if that makes sense. Like, when I was younger, obviously my parents bought my clothes, and I wasn't that great at shopping. I read Lucky, and Teen Vogue, and would cut out stuff I liked and paste it onto printer paper and make 'inspirations sheets' (aka mood-boards, and now, pinterest), but my style has always been sort of eclectic, and a lot of times my interpretation didn't turn out the way I imagined it, and I'd get frustrated and just end up wearing jeans and t-shirts from ropa, and spending the majority of my shopping budget on nice purses and shoes.
In the past few years, though, my justification for not expressing my love for fashion has been more superficial: I've felt like I'm too fat to deserve to wear nice stuff. I know that's kind of ridiculous, but it's true. I justified it all sorts of ways, mostly by claiming it was a tactic to save money (which, if you know about my addiction to Marc Jacobs sunglasses, you would know is not in my character.) Now, of course, I realize that I've had it all backwards; wearing nice things at any size is what gives you confidence, because feeling like you look good really does make a huge difference. Of course I would figure that out after losing weight, and while on a shopping strike. Oh well...I guess the up side to it is that I don't have too many things that I'll be conflicted about having to get rid of, or worry about altering.
What really sucks, though, is that while I feel like I have finally identified my personal style, and come into my own, so to speak, I can't do anything about it at the moment, because I am still losing weight rather consistently, and should continue to do so for the next 8 - 10 months (ideally), so I don't need to spend money on really nice stuff that I won't be able to wear for very long. (Sunglasses don't count. Those will fit forever.)
Well, on a completely different note, do you like how I talked about things being weird, and the next few months being...unpredictable, and then proceeded to post nearly every day and not mention any of that again? Haha! Well, the two Situations are still looming, but the unpleasant one turned out to be a little less unpleasant than we first thought, and the second is still exciting, and still in the works, but...well, there's really nothing we can do about either of them now...other than cut back on our spending. Which we're bad at. Really bad at.
One thing you should never do, apparently, is type 'Marc Jacobs' into the search box on pinterest...because you will, inevitably, buy something. And even if it's on sale, it's still
Sorry, I think my dogs disgusting fart muddled my brain for a minute there.
Since Aaron was here the past few days, him and Josh have been joined at the hip so I've been doing my own thing (when I wasn't cooking food for two humans that can really put it away!), which has mostly consisted of dumping a lot of junk from my childhood, and designating even more stuff to be donated. I did, however, manage to pack away all my winter boots (ironic, since we're under a winter weather/ice accumulation advisory over the next couple of days) and vacuum approximately 2 square feet of my bedroom. It's progress. I did a lot of laundry and a lot of dishes, so don't judge me!
When I was in high school, I would let people write on my pants. It started with one boy (duhh) who drew a skull (♥) and then, in an effort to disguise my insanely obvious favoritism, I had to let other people write/draw too. And then it became my trademark, and everyone had to write on me. (I would like to say it never got weird, but it kind of did, and I kind of liked it.) Well, the point of all this is that I found the one pair of pants that managed to survive, and am conflicted on what to do with them. I'm pretty sure no one out there wants a pair of pants that says 'This leg belongs to Fred" on the back left thigh, or "I CRAP PURPLE!" in purple sharpie...on the butt. And yet I can't bring myself to throw them away...they're so much more valuable to me than the normal stuff like yearbooks or even pictures. I think I'm keeping them. Ugh. Now I just need to figure out how to fold them up tiny enough to fit into my memory box.
Ever since I opened up and talked about my past, I've slept better, and not had any more weird dreams about where I grew up. I'm glad I got it all off my chest; it really was about time, I guess. It's amazing how immediate the reaction was. Two weeks ago thinking about that place would have made me angry, scared, and probably given me an anxiety attack, but today I am indifferent; it's there, I know some people there, but it's just a place; it can't hurt me, it never could, and I am not defined by it.
Wow, it's almost 5 am. That really snuck up on me. I should probably get some sleep.
01 February, 2013
I'm rambling. Ignore me.
Hey, remember that time I quit drinking, and then got caught up in a Cougar Town marathon and Josh and I downed a bottle of wine together? And then I justified it because the wine has been in the kitchen for like three months, and since I technically quit drinking to save money, and we didn't actually spend money on the wine it was all ok?
Or how about the time I vowed not to buy anything for a whole month, and then buckled on the last day and bought Marc Jacobs watch?
So yeah both of those things happened today. I'm sticking to my guns on the wine thing (because really, the bottle was just collecting dust, and if there was ever a show that begged to be watched with a glass of wine, it's Cougar Town.) I have no excuse for the watch, though, other than maybe I won't actually have it in January...so, there's that.
I can justify anything. It's a gift.
In other news, my kettle bell set got here yesterday and despite my body feeling absolutely wrecked today, we now have two days of kettle bell workouts under our belt(s). It hurts so good. So. Good.
I'm getting really annoyed with my anxiety (because that sounds completely normal) and so I'm going to try and see a doctor and maybe get something to help me fall asleep at a normal time...and if I get murdered in my sleep, then oh well, at least I won't be having an anxiety attack while it happens.
Today we had appetizers for dinner. And by that I mean I roasted some potatoes, then covered them in bacon and cheddar. Because I can. Also, because the only meat we had left was chicken, and we had chicken last night, and I don't even like chicken, so I went with bacon instead. It's dead pig - it's totally a meat group.
(See? Bacon for dinner - justified.)
Anyway, while I did really well this month with cooking almost daily, I didn't really have a system, so another thing I'm trying out for February is planning meals, and actually buying the stuff I need ahead of time. (It's a genius idea, really, I should probably patent it or something.) I have no illusions about it becoming a long term thing, though, because if there is one thing I am horrible at, it's following through on plans. I'm great at making them, great at making fancy lists, but then I'll inevitably forget something really important...or the list itself. It's just something I'm trying out, mostly so that we can add some new staple meals into our rotation, because while Josh is totally fine with our tacos - s'ghetti - chicken nugget - steak - pulled pork - baked cod rotation, I want a few more options.
I signed up for a trial Rdio account. I don't have any pictures to post. That's all.
Or how about the time I vowed not to buy anything for a whole month, and then buckled on the last day and bought Marc Jacobs watch?
So yeah both of those things happened today. I'm sticking to my guns on the wine thing (because really, the bottle was just collecting dust, and if there was ever a show that begged to be watched with a glass of wine, it's Cougar Town.) I have no excuse for the watch, though, other than maybe I won't actually have it in January...so, there's that.
I can justify anything. It's a gift.
In other news, my kettle bell set got here yesterday and despite my body feeling absolutely wrecked today, we now have two days of kettle bell workouts under our belt(s). It hurts so good. So. Good.
I'm getting really annoyed with my anxiety (because that sounds completely normal) and so I'm going to try and see a doctor and maybe get something to help me fall asleep at a normal time...and if I get murdered in my sleep, then oh well, at least I won't be having an anxiety attack while it happens.
Today we had appetizers for dinner. And by that I mean I roasted some potatoes, then covered them in bacon and cheddar. Because I can. Also, because the only meat we had left was chicken, and we had chicken last night, and I don't even like chicken, so I went with bacon instead. It's dead pig - it's totally a meat group.
(See? Bacon for dinner - justified.)
Anyway, while I did really well this month with cooking almost daily, I didn't really have a system, so another thing I'm trying out for February is planning meals, and actually buying the stuff I need ahead of time. (It's a genius idea, really, I should probably patent it or something.) I have no illusions about it becoming a long term thing, though, because if there is one thing I am horrible at, it's following through on plans. I'm great at making them, great at making fancy lists, but then I'll inevitably forget something really important...or the list itself. It's just something I'm trying out, mostly so that we can add some new staple meals into our rotation, because while Josh is totally fine with our tacos - s'ghetti - chicken nugget - steak - pulled pork - baked cod rotation, I want a few more options.
I signed up for a trial Rdio account. I don't have any pictures to post. That's all.
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