05 August, 2014

Save Tonight

I haven't written in a good while. Life is still pretty average. We are moving, although not to the west coast as we had talked about originally. Just back to Texas. More on that as the time draws near...I feel like if I say anything or get too excited I'll jinx it. (I know, I KNOW, but just deal with it, k?) We're supposed to go in one month to find a place and if all goes well then I'll talk about it. :)

I'm going through this weird period of like...not caring. Gah, that sounds weird. I mean I do care about stuff, I care a lot because that's my nature, but I'm kind of learning, finally, to be at peace with my own decisions and quit thinking of what other people will think when I make them. Ugh that makes it sound like I used to be all...caring and...ok. Let me start over. I've never been too intent on what the general population thought of me or my life, but I've always been more rigid in my decisions that could be judged by people close to me (parents, extended family, family friends, etc.), because my immediate family has always kind of been the black sheep, and I don't like to give the extended family any more reason to talk about us, or give my parents hell if they see stuff I'm doing online that I don't bother telling my mom about. Make sense? So what I'm saying is that now I really just don't care. Fuck them if they wanna talk shit about my life. I'm married, happily, we're doing well, I don't get handouts from anyone, and my life is great. Who cares if I have naked parties with my friends and get tagged in pictures? My friends that choose to keep me in their lives are my real fam, ya dig?

Anyway, sorry, my ghetto started to come out a little there. I get impassioned sometimes. Uhm, in other news my sleep pattern is still completely whack. Mostly stopped caring about that too since it's usually too fucking muggy to go outside anyway. I love humidity but I hate mosquitoes and them bitches are hella everywhere this year.

Also, my body has recently started doing this thing where basically all fast food (and cheese) tastes like shit and I'm craving pretty salads and chicken of all things. So, I mean, cool, like that makes it easier to eat healthy, it's just kind of strange and makes me think I might be dying. I quit drinking caffeine with no issue, and that's never happened before, I always get migraines. Yeah, pretty sure I'm dying.

Man, I really feel like I've just lost all inhibitions and become a completely different person this summer. But honestly this is what I've always been like on the inside, and it feels so good to just set it free and not be worried about 'did I say that out loud' or 'am I gonna get home and be tagged in crazy pictures'. WHO CARES?!!? Not me. My cover photo on facebook is of me and two other friends in our panties. My husband took it. My life is insanely awesome. 

30 April, 2014

Rediscovering

You know what no one ever tells you about getting older? That you never stop rediscovering yourself. Like that feeling you get when you're 16, and you're just starting to come into your own, and you think you're super unique, and you're just sure that you've got it all figured out...but you don't, and then you get the same feeling when you're 21...and 25...and 28...

Yeah. I just got hit by the 28 one. I'm switching out my entire wardrobe, I've semi-rearranged the bedroom, bought some new shoes, got a tattoo, and am thinking about moving to California. I think it's like an early mid-life crisis. Or, maybe I'm going to die at 60 and this is my mid-life crisis.

Anyway. At least my mental state is great at the moment. And that's without medication!

Other random things going on in my life:

Josh quit DJing last month. It was getting to be such a burden, and neither of us were having fun anymore. The club has been having it's own issues, and the last time he was supposed to play and decided not to there was a huge brawl and the DJ booth got smashed. That kind of sealed the deal on us not really wanting to go back.

I bought and planted two new rose bushes to compliment the other one I already have. Since I had red, I got white and pink. The pink ones are crazy looking...they're like hot pink and white striped. I can't wait til they get bigger!

I think I sat in poison ivy. I have it all over my legs, and it suuuucks. That's what I get for spending hours sitting one the ground in the backyard, taking pictures.

Oh! That reminds me, I set up a shop to start selling prints of my photography. So far I only have a few shots from this year, but I plan to spend the weekend digging through my old computer and another hard drive and get a lot more up. Here's the link if you're interested.

...I guess that's all for now!

31 March, 2014

Thoughts and such.

Whoaa, look at me posting twice in one month, what what!!!

Ok, sorry. I just decided to write a bit and was pleasantly surprised to find that it hasn't been as long as I thought since I took the time to post.

Life is still chugging along, I'm in the midst of rearranging my craft/guest room yet again, in the never-ending struggle to continue adding stuff without actually giving up any space. It's rough. I'm also thinking really hard about getting the dining room table out of storage and working on it, but once I cleaned out the carport in order to do that I realized how much I'd missed having an empty carport...so I think I may just hold onto that for a couple of more weeks.

Uhm.

Oh, I started subscribing to two different monthly boxes...I get Birchbox and the PopSugar Must Have box. I really like both of them! I tried out the Splendies panty box but was disappointed with the quality (or lack-of) so I canceled that one. I love boxes, so if you have a favorite let me know!

I don't know, man, I like having this blog as a place to write but with all the other social networks out there, sometimes it's just too much. I mean, I only post pictures on Tumblr, and I can't really write write on Facebook, but then again I don't really write write here either. I haven't written in the way I'm thinking about in a long time. Confused yet? Sorry...just thinking and writing.

I should. I miss writing. But when I think about how I was when I was writing, I was so depressed, I was in such a horrible state of mind...that's probably what made me so good at it, but I certainly have no desire to be that mentally unstable again. I wish my creativity wasn't tied to my mental state, but it kind of seems like it is. I can still write but it's a different style. Oh well, I guess I should just do it anyway, as long as I'm doing something it should count.

03 March, 2014

March Sadness

I find myself lost in a fog, these days, a gentle haze that snuck up without my noticing and that has now penetrated every aspect of my life.

For one thing I've been sick for almost two months, with a constant runny nose and a sore throat that comes and goes. It's gotten worse over the past week, and I've been stuck in bed sleeping about 16 hours a day, and forcing myself to eat at least once when I do manage to wake up. I still went out with Josh on Friday and Saturday, and while I probably shouldn't have, at least I got to socialize a bit, though I probably seemed uninterested and aloof, which was not the case at all.

I feel trapped in my life, as I always do during seasons of transition. (I mean that literally - Fall and Spring always knock my feet out from under me, mentally.) I have a few projects in that works that are helping, but with The Sickness going on, they're not making much progress.

Once again Winter has overstayed it's welcome, and as I sit here typing this, there is an ice storm happening, and a chance that I could lose power at any given moment. I'm so over it. I want sun, I want warmth, even if it's just the subtle kind of warmth that you can only feel by standing in the sunshine.

Well, this is beginning to feel like a pity party so I'm going to stop now. Obviously not everything is bad, but when I'm sick I tend to wallow so I'll try to get on here and talk about something else when I start feeling better...which I hope will be very soon!

29 October, 2013

October wrap-up

I know I've been lacking a lot as far as updating this, but I did want to talk a bit about what I did for Halloween this year. It's my favorite holiday but for the past few years I haven't really been able to celebrate it as lavishly as I would like. So this year I (tried) to really get into the spirit! I actually have some things I'm still working on, but that just means next year will be even better! So I started outside, I painted some wax paper and taped it to our office window for a nice, murdery effect, and invested in numerous dollar store decor:


I also made great use of a creepy doll I'd found at a thrift store, and some pieces of chain that I had lying around:


For our Halloween party, I went all out on food. I baked  three cakes (two chocolate, one red velvet), and crumbled them all together, then formed them into heart (real heart) shaped cake-balls. I made cherry icing (powdered sugar, milk, cherries that had been cooked down a bit with some butter and sugar, and some red and brown food coloring) which added a nice, bloody touch. I think they came out awesome if I do say so myself.


closer view:


Of course no Halloween party is complete without jello shots in giant syringes:


And very happy birthday dogs who get presents from very awesome friends. :)


I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to build a life-size Michael Myers but I ran out of newspaper to stuff him and I can't find a good mask anywhere! So he's standing in a corner (which is rather creepy because even though he's not stuffed all the way, he's got his jumpsuit on and zipped up, and if you just glance over there's a headless creeper standing there) waiting until I can finish him up...

I'm also working on some more creepy doll stuff, but I doubt that I'll finish before Halloween. Oh well, like I said, there's always next year.

So have you done anything particularly awesome this Halloween?

16 September, 2013

Random thoughts pt 7

It has been so long. Life continues to happen, but I can't seem to find the motivation to write. I've been sick for the past few days, though, and spending some down time catching up on my blog reading, so I figured I'd at least get a few thoughts down on paper, so to speak.

In August we traveled to Puerto Rico for a few days. Beautiful, warm, all the islandy perfection that I imagined, but it ended quite too soon. It reignited my flame for travel. Another trip is already booked, although we'll be flying red-eye out of DFW so...that's gonna be special. (A four hour drive, as opposed to one to Little Rock.)

Since I've been stuck at home for the past week, and trying to rest since I sound like a tuberculosis patient, I've pulled most of my fall/winter stuff out, and have begun the first wave of putting up spring/summer clothes. I also took a GIANT carload of stuff to Re-store last week before I got sick, and started the search for pieces to use for Halloween. Our costumes this year are going to be awesome!

Josh's birthday is on Saturday, so of course we'll be at the club to party. Hoping to have a decent crowd, but we'll make sure he has fun either way. :)

I've developed a passion for buying fancy panties. I can't explain it.

On the other hand, I've also managed to get my shopping under control. I just had to realize that I don't have to hoard clothes anymore - I'm financially stable enough to buy what I want and need, and to donate or trash stuff that I don't. It was incredibly refreshing to go through my closets and donate stuff that was nice, and then cut up stuff that was torn or stained and use that as rags when I clean. (I'm still thrifty, no reason to buy paper towels and create more trash when I don't have to!)

I seem to be allergic to something I come in contact with on a regular basis, but I have no idea what it would be. I keep getting hives in random patches on my body.

I really wish my hair would hurry up and grow out. I don't think I've mentioned it, but I shaved half my head again back in...May? I wanna say...anyway, I did it because I got tired of the funky, in-between, growing out stage that it was in, but if I had just sucked it up then it would have been done by now. Instead, I'm starting all over again. UGH. Oh well. Not going to do that again. I'm ready for long hair.

In May I inherited another tarantula, and named him Bilbo. Last month, I cleaned out my aquarium, put a piece of plywood in the middle, and made a spider-condo. Yesterday Willow somehow managed to squeeze her fat little butt over the top of the divider, and attacked Bilbo. He lost two legs and is all kind of panicky now, but he's alive. I feel terrible for him though. :( Personality wise, he's curious, goofy, and when I first got him he used to hoard food - I'd put 5 or 6 crickets in and he'd kill them all immediately, and then bury them. I hope he molts soon and regenerates his new legs.

03 July, 2013

Life, lately.

It's been quite a while since I've written anything here, and while I do sit down occasionally, and think about posting, I typically find that I don't know what I want to say.

For the past four (almost five now) months I've been taking medication for my anxiety. It has helped, a lot actually, but I've also found that my personality on medication is quite different than off. Not in a bad way, nor in a multiple personality way, I'm still very much me, so to speak, I just find that my attention span is a great deal shorter, and that my interest in certain things has waned, while interest in other things has peaked.

One thing I have sort of rediscovered is my passion for photography. I've always loved it, but I like to take pictures outside, of nature, trees, abandoned buildings, and when I'm depressed I tend to stay inside and/or sleep all day so I don't get to do that as much. Lately, though, I've gotten back into the habit of taking my camera everywhere.

I've also found that while I still love crafting and sewing, I just can't sit through cutting out/sewing entire projects anymore. (Or at least not all at once - I have completed a couple of things, but they were stretched out over a few days.) I spend less time reading blogs, and I can't even remember the last time I looked at Pinterest. (That's a good thing, though!)

I feel better, mentally, and physically too - I recently joined a belly dancing class taught by a friends mom and it is so fun! Meeting new people, having something that is mine, a reason to get out of the house alone that doesn't involve shopping, I think, is really a huge part of rediscovering my identity, reconnecting with aspects of my self and personality that may have gotten lost throughout this long journey of depression and anxiety.

Anyway, I know that's not much of an update, but I do plan to write more, soon, I just wanted to explain a bit why I've been MIA for so long.

03 May, 2013

Random thoughts pt 6

Wow, I can't believe it's been a whole month since I posted something. I kept meaning to, but life got in the way, and I have spent a lot of time thinking, trying to collect my thoughts into a valid post on one topic, and I can't seem to get there. I have a lot of random things going on in my life, a lot of ideas and opinions, and I feel...conflicted. I don't like feeling like this because, in the past, it has been one of the major factors that contributes to major anxiety and moving. (Like boxing up the house and starting over in a new city moving, not an increase in physical activity.)

First of all, let me reiterate that I hate conflict and drama. I am happiest when things are running smoothly, I only have to interact with people I like, and everyone else around me is on good terms with one another. Conflict makes me uncomfortable. It bothers me even more if anything I've said or done is considered to be a source of conflict. I try to be very accommodating of others, but I also have a rule about not being fake - honesty is always best, even if it's not what someone wants to hear.

I decided to stop drinking, for a while at least. Ever since I started my medication it's had a weird sort of effect on me - my tolerance is all over the place, and as such it's not fun because I don't know whether I'm going to have four drinks and be fine or two and be blacked out and falling down. Besides, watching other people get drunk is always fun.  (Not to mention the added bonus of saving money...)

I pierced my nose! Hooray! Pictures soon, I have a couple on my phone but nothing spectacular...plus I don't feel like trying to get them off of it right now.

Josh traveled during April, and I had to drive him to the airport (an hour away) and pick him up. I also went out and shopped alone, and went to the bar and ate, and then came home alone after dark. All of these things are ridiculously huge victories for me, and they all happened within a four day time span. I can't even begin to express how proud I am of myself. I did not have a single anxiety attack while he was gone.

On the flip side, though, that week threw off my cooking/eating schedule, and it's been a mess ever since. (Well, okay, for the past two weeks.) I hope to take this weekend (and by that I mean Sunday, we have plans for this evening and tomorrow) to re-instate my menu planning, get some groceries, and get back into the groove.

Because my body is a lightening rod for the strange and ridiculous (seriously, how many other people do you know whose bruises scar, or who've broken their ankle in the deep end of a swimming pool?) I seem to have gotten a slight case of poison ivy the other day when I was outside cleaning Willows cage. The strangest part, though, is that it's only on my stomach, and I was totally wearing clothes the whole time.

I've been busy doing other stuff and haven't gotten around to sewing or doing anything crafty in a while, but it's not really bothering me. I mean, I want to, still, obviously, but it's not something I'm avoiding because I'm depressed (in fact, my medication seems to be working quite well!) so I'm not sad about it. Does that make sense? I'm just busy with life...and that's ok.

I do want to get outside and work on my table and chairs, though. I tried one day, and managed to clean the chairs off pretty good, but by the next day they were completely yellow again! Plus, until last week I'd been kind of stubborn and not wanting to admit that allergies were getting the best of me, but now that I'm taking something for them, I can breathe, and see, and think again!

Josh has switched from DJing on Thursdays to Saturdays, so that's fun. Saturdays are busier, and he's so happy when people are out dancing and enjoying what he's playing.


02 April, 2013

Photo diary and weekend recap

Hey, remember that time less than a month ago when I tried to make a photo diary of my day, and then it turned out to be the most Boring Day Ever? Well, I made another one, and this time it was a much more interesting day. Of course it was last week, and then I got all busy and forgot to post it, but it's still relevant and awesome. You should be warned, though, that the last couple of pictures are kind of hazy in my memory. Still a great day!

Thursday, 28 March, 2013

11:30 am. Wake up, find my shadow taking a bath. She sleeps in the guest room but comes and gets in bed with me when Josh gets up. (Feel free to ignore the stack of shoe boxes + random bras in the background.)


12:30 pm. Cook breakfast (potatoes & eggs, bacon) and sit down and eat it.


1:30 pm. Just got done with my eye doctor appointment. Got contacts, finally.


2:30 pm. Bored, so I took a picture of what I was wearing. (Note the shadow...) 


3:30 pm. Heating up jambalaya and unloading the dishwasher...


with the help of my shadow.


4 pm. Our Tonx finally arrived, so of course we immediately made some mid-afternoon coffee.


6 pm - another delivery! New dress = wardrobe change, duh.


8 pm. Showered, getting ready to head out, and making faces...because it's what I do.



The rest of these happened between 10 pm and 2 am, but there's no rhyme or reason. Just a great night out. :)

Josh on the decks.


I started out innocently enough...with water.


But for some reason was craving something salty. Had a dirty martini...which didn't cure it.


So I tried a flaming flamingo...which also didn't cure it, but also made me drunk enough to not care anymore.


I was given a bracelet.


Juzeh showed up and hung out for a good while.




and then things got...weird.


Fun fun.


Anyway. Friday I had my MRI in the afternoon, and we went and saw Juzeh's band play at a different bar...even though I was sober that night I managed to fall and almost die in the street (ok, that's a slight exaggeration). We still ended up at Grindhouse later though, and Josh got fed some crazy shots but didn't get too drunk. We had a lot of fun...again.

Saturday and Sunday we stayed in, relaxed, watched TV, and I started on my Spring cleaning...which means that that is exactly what I am avoiding doing right now....I always take about two weeks to finish it because I take so many breaks...ugh. But we have company coming next Thursday so it needs to be done by then! Yay, motivation! Anyway, I should probably get back to that, just wanted to share these pictures of what a slightly more typical day in my life is like.

27 March, 2013

Spring but not Spring

This weather is weird, man. I don't know what to make of it. On the one hand, I love the cold, and I really am enjoying every last drop of it that we're having...but on the other hand, I pulled my spring/summer wardrobe out like a month and a half ago, and...I haven't been able to wear any of it without throwing a sweater on top! Today was the last straw, though. I got new flip-flops (finally!).

Let me tell you a story about flip-flops: I don't like them. Never have. Not the flimsy, $2, Old Navy kind that everyone wears, anyway. I agree that they're easy to slip on as you run out the door, and they're cheap and easy to replace, but come on. They're ugly, and cheap, and I refuse to wear them. (Well, the cheap rubber kind at least.)

I do have a pair of Diane von Furstenberg flip-flops (that, for the record, are almost two years old and still functioning), and last year I bought a pair of black Polo ones. Unfortunately I made the mistake of throwing them in the washing machine once, and they did not survive that too well, so I've been on the lookout for a replacement pair for a while now...and today I found some! Josh and I were at TJ Maxx when I spotted these adorable black (Coach) flip-flops with a sweet little bow on them.



And I bought them. Duh. They're plastic, which makes for easy cleaning, and way durable, and, they actually have grip on the bottom! Bonus. These are easily going to become my go-to slip on everyday shoe.

Yesterday my newest bracelet arrived, a Marc by Marc Jacobs black/white leather piece, very cute:



I love it! (bottom one is also Marc by Marc Jacobs, but I already had it...just hadn't taken a picture yet!)

Anyway, I have one more thing coming, a dress that should be here Thursday, and then it's back to a self-imposed shopping ban for April.

Today (Tuesday) was the only day this week I didn't have a doctors appointment. Yesterday I saw the orthopedic specialist, tomorrow I see the psychiatrist, Thursday the eye doctor, and Friday I have an MRI on my knee. It sucks. I absolutely hate going to the doctor, any doctor, but it is a necessary evil. I'm just ready for it to be over with! At least yesterday's was the only early appointment, the rest of them are in the afternoon, so I don't have to get up early.

In other news, I kind of got off-track with my goals this month. Like I said before, it ended up being a really strange month, but I know that's no excuse. Obviously I'm still restricted from working out (doctors orders), but I'm trying to get back to eating right. I did ok while my parents were here, but since I was sick last week, I wasn't eating much at all, and now I'm trying to get back in the habit of cooking daily. (Which is only hard because doing that produces a lot of dishes, and loading/unloading the dishwasher is painful due to a lot of knee-bending.) I have only lost one pound so far this month - I'm not really pleased with that, but I'll take it. It's better than a gain.

Since I've got a lot going on the rest of the week I might not have time to post until the weekend, but I hope everyone is having a good week! Maybe it'll warm up and I can wear my new shoes out sometime this weekend! :)