Spring but not Spring

This weather is weird, man. I don't know what to make of it. On the one hand, I love the cold, and I really am enjoying every last drop of it that we're having...but on the other hand, I pulled my spring/summer wardrobe out like a month and a half ago, and...I haven't been able to wear any of it without throwing a sweater on top! Today was the last straw, though. I got new flip-flops (finally!).

Let me tell you a story about flip-flops: I don't like them. Never have. Not the flimsy, $2, Old Navy kind that everyone wears, anyway. I agree that they're easy to slip on as you run out the door, and they're cheap and easy to replace, but come on. They're ugly, and cheap, and I refuse to wear them. (Well, the cheap rubber kind at least.)

I do have a pair of Diane von Furstenberg flip-flops (that, for the record, are almost two years old and still functioning), and last year I bought a pair of black Polo ones. Unfortunately I made the mistake of throwing them in the washing machine once, and they did not survive that too well, so I've been on the lookout for a replacement pair for a while now...and today I found some! Josh and I were at TJ Maxx when I spotted these adorable black (Coach) flip-flops with a sweet little bow on them.



And I bought them. Duh. They're plastic, which makes for easy cleaning, and way durable, and, they actually have grip on the bottom! Bonus. These are easily going to become my go-to slip on everyday shoe.

Yesterday my newest bracelet arrived, a Marc by Marc Jacobs black/white leather piece, very cute:



I love it! (bottom one is also Marc by Marc Jacobs, but I already had it...just hadn't taken a picture yet!)

Anyway, I have one more thing coming, a dress that should be here Thursday, and then it's back to a self-imposed shopping ban for April.

Today (Tuesday) was the only day this week I didn't have a doctors appointment. Yesterday I saw the orthopedic specialist, tomorrow I see the psychiatrist, Thursday the eye doctor, and Friday I have an MRI on my knee. It sucks. I absolutely hate going to the doctor, any doctor, but it is a necessary evil. I'm just ready for it to be over with! At least yesterday's was the only early appointment, the rest of them are in the afternoon, so I don't have to get up early.

In other news, I kind of got off-track with my goals this month. Like I said before, it ended up being a really strange month, but I know that's no excuse. Obviously I'm still restricted from working out (doctors orders), but I'm trying to get back to eating right. I did ok while my parents were here, but since I was sick last week, I wasn't eating much at all, and now I'm trying to get back in the habit of cooking daily. (Which is only hard because doing that produces a lot of dishes, and loading/unloading the dishwasher is painful due to a lot of knee-bending.) I have only lost one pound so far this month - I'm not really pleased with that, but I'll take it. It's better than a gain.

Since I've got a lot going on the rest of the week I might not have time to post until the weekend, but I hope everyone is having a good week! Maybe it'll warm up and I can wear my new shoes out sometime this weekend! :)

Friday things.

Last week, on Sunday, I told Josh to go through the list of recipes I have and pick some out for the week. Then, I made a grocery list based on that, and he went to the store and bought everything. What I did not anticipate, however, was that he picked a large number of meals that yield leftovers...so now we only have to go replenish a few things for this next week, since we still have some frozen meat, and leftovers. Crazy. I should have realized this years ago. I have forever revolutionized grocery shopping.

Tomorrow night we're actually going to have a pretty fancy, and rather seafood-heavy, meal. Spicy shrimp dip to start, and steaks with saffron & lobster mashed potatoes on the side. I'm really excited!

The doctor visit went really well today. She actually concluded that I'm not bipolar, which was nice to hear, but then she said that I am delusional, which, apparently, is it's own diagnosis. I knew I had delusions, but didn't realize it was it's own disorder. Anyway, that plus anxiety NOS is what I have. Pretty sure she hit the nail on the head, though, because she actually read me the definition of each diagnosis and it was one of those, "Oh, hey, that's me!" moments. (Well, minus the exclamation point, I guess.) We talked for a long time, longer than any other doctor has ever talked to me (usually after one or two questions they hand me a prescription and show me the door) so it was really nice. I feel really comfortable with her, and I'm glad that it seems like this is going to work out. I have two more appoints with her, plus one with the actual psychiatrist (who, she warned me, will hand me a prescription and show me the door, but it'll be in conjunction with talking to her so I'm not worried.)

Just so I have a picture in this post, here is part of what I wore today. Alice + Olivia cashmere striped skirt, black tights, my Uggs that I swore to never leave the house in (it was cold and I was running late!), and you can kind of see my purse (Michael Kors) with it's fox fur keychain. (I pet it when I'm nervous.)

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the smell of shrimp off your hands after you peel and de-vein two pounds of them? IMPOSSIBLE. My hands smell disgusting.

While we're on the subject of Annoying Things...my sunglasses are HERE, in this town, but I won't get them til Monday because Fed Ex is stupid. (Well, I think, I don't really know if they deliver on Saturday or not.)

I got inspired to make a bracelet today! Unfortunately my desk is still a horrific mess so it may be a couple of days before I get it cleared off, and work up the nerve to open my Giant Box of Fabric, but I promise it'll happen this week.

All those empty boxes from the gluten-free stuff I've been meaning to talk about are still in my kitchen. They're stuffed in a large bowl, and they get moved around at least once a day, but I haven't really been inspired to talk about them since I've cut out processed food for the time being.

Sometimes I get really sad about the fact that there is so much beauty in the world that I'll never get to experience. I mean, even if the whole world just stopped, right this second, and I never slept again, and spent the rest of my time alive just wandering the earth and experiencing everything this amazing planet has to offer - I still couldn't fit it all in.

"Getting old is a fatal mistake."

On working out

Whoa.

When we got our kettle bells, Josh and I looked up a bunch of videos to get started; we figured out proper form, and learned a pretty good variety of exercises, then sort of put together our own personal routines, and have been doing those ever since.

I focus mainly on swings, and try to get in as many of those as I can. I started with 100, by doing five sets of 20, then moved to four sets of 25, and then upgraded to 120 swings by doing four sets of 30. Today I upped the number of swings I do at once to 50. I thought I was going to pass out during that second set! It was intense! I think I'll do one more set of 25, then call it a day. (That's not all I do, though, that's just what I do the most of. I also try to get in about 50 reps of various arm exercises, as well as doing a few non-kettle bell things, like squats, jumping jacks, leg lifts, etc.) Right now I'm still using the 20 lb kettle bell - once I work up to more than 200 swings I plan to move up to the 25 lb one and start back at 100 swings. Or whatever feels right at that time.

So far I've lost 7 pounds. (Well, since I weighed myself and started keeping track. That was on Jan. 14) I think that's pretty decent progress for 5 weeks. I know that it seems slow when I watch people on The Biggest Loser losing much more in much less time, and I know that if I put in the effort and worked out 4 hours a day I might see numbers like that, but I don't want to. I want to focus on a lifestyle that I can maintain for the rest of my life. I didn't gain an extra 50 pounds in 5 months, I gained it over 5 years...and while I certainly hope it doesn't take that long to come off, I think that 10 months to a year is a much more reasonable time frame. I'm not going to stress out over it.

I can feel a change already, in my arms, and in my stomach. My muscles feel more toned, and I feel...taller, almost. Like my arms and legs are longer. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's how I feel. And it feels good!

My lung function is also improving, which is great. When I was a senior in high school, one of the things that happened during The Unexplained Illness was both of my lungs collapsing halfway...leaving me with, essentially, one lung worth of breathing capacity. A few months later, when we moved to Arkansas, I lost my little breathing machine that was helping me improve my lung function, and so I just kind of used that as an excuse for the past 7 years...I can't run because my lungs are broken, can't do cardio because my lungs are broken, and I'm so tired of it! I know very well, and have all along, that I can do breathing exercises on my own to improve my lungs, and that physical activity is good, and also helps, even when it hurts. I've just been lazy and scared of a little bit of discomfort.

I'm finding, though, that getting back in shape after so many years of being out of it, is all about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Pushing your body to it's limits isn't always fun: it's painful, and exhausting, and sometimes even scary. But - it's worth it. It's worth it because the alternative is lying in a hospital bed, sick, scared, dying, and knowing you could have prevented it. It's worth it because the end result is a body that can run, jump, lift, swing, dance, and hike, comfortably.

Anyway, I just wanted to document all of this, because at any other point in the past, I would have already given up by now. I always thought that if I wasn't losing 10 - 15 pounds a month then why even bother. I'd get discouraged, and think that I must just be destined to be fat. I know, I know, but it's true, that's really how I'd feel. This time, though...it just feels different. There's no impatience, no feelings of discouragement because I didn't lose 100 pounds overnight. Even my motivation is different - I don't have any illusions about growing 5 inches and turning into a willowy supermodel. I know that's not how I'm built. Instead, I'm going for fit. I'll always have solid, muscular legs, thanks to both my mothers genes and my years as a gymnast. Might as well make the most of it!


I am not looking forward to going to the doctor tomorrow later today. I know that I need to, because no matter how much I want to be able to control my sickness with a healthy diet, it's really not up to me. And that's not my fault. So, I'll go, and I'll explain all my weird delusions, and hope that maybe there's some way they can fix me. I'm going to show up on less than five hours of sleep, though, so I may go in there and sound so crazy they just lock me up. DO THEY STILL LOCK PEOPLE UP? I feel like that's outdated, but maybe it's just kept quiet. Great, now I'm really worried. THANKS, INTERNET.

It doesn't feel like February.

My watch got here. It's the most gorgeous thing ever. And by that I mean it's the most gorgeous thing until I get something else new. Because that's life, people.

Anyway. Things are...weird right now. Not bad weird, actually they're weird in the absolute best way possible. That's all I'm saying for now. Have fun wondering non-stop what I mean by that.

I have a doctors appointment for the 22nd. Apparently I get to see a therapist who then decides if I need to see they psychiatrist, the psychologist, or both...I think. I'm not sure, I made Josh make the appointment because making phone calls when I don't know the situation at the other end is a huge source of anxiety for me. (Yeah, this is one of those that confuses me too. But I just can't do it. I panic and hang up on people all the time. It's awful.) It's sort of a long way off, but now that I don't have to fly somewhere and meet people I'm ok with waiting.

Lately I've been in the mood to go do stuff, but I don't know what I want to do. I think part of it just stems from not really having anyone to do stuff with, other than Josh. Which is fine like 99% of the time, I mean, we got married because we are best friends, and could stand to be around each other 24/7, obviously, but some days I just want a girlfriend to go have coffee with, and walk around the mall and talk to. I've found that it's much harder to find stuff to do when you're trying not to eat out as much. Everything revolves around food. Or shopping, which I'm totally ok with and really good at, but clearly, we're not millionaires. I can't shop every day...unless it's at Restore. But then we'd need a bigger house to hold all my junk. Wow this paragraph really got away from me.

I just want to get out of the house more. Also, I'm about done with it getting dark at 5 pm. I'm ready for longer days. (Sure I could just wake up earlier, but where's the fun in that?!) I miss Fredericksburg.

My brain is doing that thing where it won't stop thinking thoughts but it's going too fast for me to make sense of it, so I'm going to end this.

Well except for this picture of my watch that I'm posting. :D