Everybody loves my baby

Wow it's been a long time since I've listened to the Doors. Glad that's being remedied right now.

You know how they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to...uh, solving it? I guess. I ususally  just hear that admission part. Anyway...we went to ReStore. Again. We took a pretty big bag of stuff, and we actually had a purpose today. (Wait, that's what I said yesterday too, huh? Hmm...)

A couple of weeks ago I had mentioned to Josh that instead of trying to play the Valentine's day game, and out romance each other, or go out to a crowded restaurant and spend money unnecessarily, we should do something fun and different. I told him to pick a movie, and we'd recreate the cover. He mentioned a few different movies over the past few days, but didn't have anything definite until today...so, again, we rushed to ReStore just before they closed. I managed to find a pair of white Keds, and then we had to go to Wal-Mart to try and find a baseball bat. I also found an off-white sweater on the clearance rack that I grabbed, and then we rushed back home take this before the sun went down.

In case you can't tell (no worries, I had never even heard of this movie before today), it's Bull Durham. It was pretty hilarious taking turns setting the timer on the camera and then running back to the car...there are quite a few blooper pictures, and I'm glad that sweater was cheap because it did not survive. But we had a lot of fun!

Then I cooked dinner while we waited on Aaron to get here, and the craft room got neglected just a little bit longer. Luckily we're all night owls so even though it's still only like 90% done, I've still got a couple of hours. I'm doing some laundry, too, while I can. We have a lot of plans for this weekend.

Tomorrow we're taking Aaron to TJ Maxx, so I think I'll probably manage to stay away from ReStore. Then, tomorrow night is Joshs first gig here in Hot Springs! He used to play a lot more when we were in Austin and the music scene is...more active. It'll definitely be a lot of fun to see him back in his element, doing what he loves to do for fun, rather than working. I'm still in the process of deciding what to wear, as if I'm not going to be in a dark club all night, hiding in the back and taking pictures. Haha. Oh man, that reminds me, I have to remember to charge my camera battery. The one I have is really good, and can usually go a week (sometimes more) without being charged, but when I'm doing something with long exposures it uses a lot more battery, so I have to make sure it's full before I end up mad at myself for missing a great shot!

There aren't really any words to explain this, but she gets goofy when there's a camera around. She actually rolled back up into this pose when I asked her to, because my first picture came out blurry. She could totally be in commercials. She will do anything you ask if there's a camera out, but she really prefers to make up her own poses...which is fine, because they're hilarious.

More words, with pictures!

Wow. Tonight I decided to sit down and go through a few boxes that have moved with me from Texas, to Arkansas, back to Texas, and now back to Arkansas, and see what all I'd been keeping that was clearly so important. It was such a fun adventure going through all that, reading notes and cards I've gotten over the years, seeing how my own writing style has changed, and finally, letting go of about 75% of it. I kept a few important things, like birthday cards with nice messages, a couple of notes from people I still talk to, and some pictures and stuff, but I really gave it an overhaul. Before, my Memory Box (which is a pink Barbie carrying case) (yeah, I did just admit that...no shame) wouldn't even close, and now it's only half filled. (I got rid of more than half of it, though, I just filled some of the empty space with my giant medical history folder, since I don't really have anywhere to keep that.)

Some of the treasures I found include:

these awesome pictures that my mom took to document the worst case of chicken pox ever experienced by a child


This note that a friend wrote in...third grade, I believe?


This little piece of something that I wrote a few years ago, then stashed away.


This is what the piled looked like just after I started. By the time I was done I couldn't even carry it all in one trip! My family is big on card giving...for every occasion imaginable.


It's ironic, though, that despite making a lot of space in one box, I actually made a giant mess by pulling all the stuff in front of the box out of the closet, and leaving it stacked in front of the door. Oops! I'll get to it tomorrow, though, now I'm really in the mood to toss stuff out! Or at least put it in a bag to donate, which is what I'm doing to everything that isn't a card, note, or envelope.

I started on a box in my craft room closet, too, and ended up with a bunch of VHS tapes to give away. I don't even know if anyone would buy them, but I have a VCR somewhere too, so maybe if I pack it altogether someone will want it. I don't know. If not, then it's ReStore's problem figuring out if you can just toss all that in the trash. I'm just trying to get rid of as anything and everything that I haven't used in the past year, and don't have a reason to use in the foreseeable future. Makes sense, right?

Anyway, I don't even know where all this cleaning energy came from. Maybe it's because of all that sleep last night/earlier today? I guess I really am a night owl. No matter how hard I try to flip my schedule back to normal, I always end up awake and writing at 5 am. Not the worst thing possible, but I like daylight and I don't get enough of it this way.

My jambalaya turned out awesome, Josh said it was the best thing I've made in a while, so that's a win. I sort of followed a recipe, sort of just threw stuff in and hoped for the best (which is what I usually do when I cook anyway).
 
We ate while we watched the Westminster dog show...this is Orion's reaction to the Affenpinscher winning Best of Show. We were all rooting for the Portuguese water dog, although I really thought the fox terrier had a good chance. :)

demons of the past

I just realized that all day I've been opening pages and immediately pausing the videos but my speakers weren't even plugged in.

When we lived in Austin, I went through...7 jobs? I think. We were there for five years, the last three of which I held one steady job, so you do the math. Of those, only one got the requisite letter of resignation. At most, I just walked out one day and never went back. At one, I took an early lunch because I had an anxiety attack and didn't go back until two weeks later when I had to pick up my check. Not exactly noble, but then again this isn't a story about how reliable I am. (Which, ironically, was my best trait according to the people I worked for the last three years we were there.)

Sometimes I wonder if humans have a threshold for experiences...like the people that die in the midst of having some crazy adventure, if they just hit the maximum number of adventures, and that's why they died.

When I was younger I used to write constantly. I carried a notebook with me everywhere, and just wrote. Thoughts, feelings, perceptions of my surroundings, opinions of people, stories I'd make up about strangers, anything and everything that came to mind. Sometimes I'd write notes to people in them, and then I'd give them the notebook and they'd write back. So much of my life is chronicled, captured in my own words, and I often miss doing that.

I lived in my own little world, with my words to keep me company. When I wasn't writing I was reading, and I was perfectly content to spend the majority of my time alone. The stories I could create were very real to me, and they were better than the reality of where I was.

My disdain for the region I grew up in is thick, overwhelming, and destructive. I realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today without having had the exact past that I did. I know that the experiences I had shaped every fiber of my being. I made friends there, I loved there, and yet when I think of it, the only feeling I can muster is a burning hatred that grows the longer I think about it. I dream of the places I lived, the house I grew up in and the church/school I spent 6 days a week at when I was little, and in my dreams the depths of these places is vast, and I'm searching, exploring, yearning to find the thing that will allow me to make peace with my past.

The building I went to elementary school in, where my mom worked six days a week, and where I spent countless hours being terrified that someone was going to sneak in through the alley door and murder us all is gone now, but the secrets it holds will live forever.

I'm more scared of living than dying. Seems weird, considering that all of my anxieties fixate on murderers but the real fear lies in something horrible happening to the people I love, and me being left alone - abandonment. 

I believe that the same way we can have a soulmate, someone who compliments us in the most perfect way, we can also have that connection with a place - somewhere that you feel in perfect harmony with your surroundings.

While my notebook keeping tactics are clear evidence that I've always been an introvert, they also served as a support system for the onset of my depression, as well as a clever way of hiding it for so many years.

When I was 11, my brother moved away. He'd lived with us for six years, ever since he'd come back from living in Spain. He was a constant in my life, always home on weeknights hogging the TV, buying me music, movies, toys, anything I asked for really, the best brother anyone could have asked for. One day, when I walked in the house crying because my dad has refused to stop the car after I saw an abandoned kitten on the side of the road, he asked why I was upset. When I told him, he immediately took me back to the spot where we rescued the kitten and brought her home. I named her Socks, and even though she was taken less than two years later, I'll never forget the no-questions-asked willingness of my brother to just fix whatever he could in my life.

When he left, I was happy for him. He'd escaped the Valley, for a better job in Austin, and he really seemed to like it there.

Then, a year later, less than a week after finding out that her sister had died, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Because there was no one else to stay with me, and I was not the kind of kid willing to stay home alone, I spent a lot of time at the hospital, and later at the cancer treatment center where my mom took chemo. My dad's way of coping was denial - my mom didn't have cancer, it was just the doctors trying to scam money out of us. Since my mom was the one that was sick, and my brother was gone, I had no real support system. I focused my energy on school, and that helped for a while.

But then, because my mom hadn't been working, my parents couldn't afford to send me back to my private school the next year. My mom asked me to try public school for two weeks, promising that if I hated it, they'd find a way to send me back to Faith. I did hate it, and I had no friends, but I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to be a financial burden, and I certainly didn't want to stress my mom out.

I think, losing an aunt, even one I never knew, followed by being terrified of losing my mom, and not having anyone to discuss it with probably should have been dealt with, but it wasn't. I didn't bother to tell anyone that something might be wrong, because I didn't really know it was, and my parents were, understandably, focused on getting my mom healthy.

That's when it started, though. Even though no one was really mean to me (except the blind girl who attacked me in the bathroom with her cane), I just didn't fit in. The kids were tougher, calloused, and uncaring. I kept to myself even more than usual, and when I did make a friend, she was just as depressed as I was, and taught me to deal with stress in the most harmful way imaginable. But no one asked questions, and I took that to mean no one cared. If no one cared, then why stop? I started to sink into a hole of depression and self-hatred so deep that I am still working to dig myself out of it.

Sometimes I can't believe I hid it all so well - I was so self-destructive, so angry at the world, and deeply depressed, but in all that time only one person ever confronted me. Ironically it was my mom who convinced him that I was ok, and while part of me was grateful to not have to answer the questions anymore, part of me also wondered why she couldn't see it.

All of that, though, kept bottled for so long, has left me an emotionally damaged, unable to hold down a job, and slightly dysfunctional adult. And I blame the place. I can't blame my parents, they're my parents, they did the best they could given the circumstances, and I love them. I can't blame my brother, he's not responsible for me. I partially blame myself, because if I hadn't had to have surgery in the fifth grade, maybe we would have moved. But then again, maybe it would have been just as bad, or worse.

No matter what the real reason for my current mental state, the truth is that if I don't let go of the hatred I have for that place, I can't move forward. The place itself didn't shape me - the people there did, the experiences I had there did, but physically, the place itself - it's just land. I think it was so easy for so long to just lump all my blame on that, but now I need to start facing the fact that I've been gone for almost ten years and things haven't really gotten a whole lot better. I'm still lost, and I need to take a step back and find the real issue, so that I can free my mind, and be the strong, stable person I know I should be.

"Beyond the East the sunrise, beyond the West the sea
And the East and West, the wander-thirst that will not let me be" - Gerald Gould

Weekend stuff.

I keep feeling like I have too much stuff, so I made a new rule: for everything I bring in, something has to go out. Last week we hauled a giant load of stuff (four boxes full!) to ReStore, and I only bought one thing. Yesterday I took one bag full (three pieces of clothing, and a never-worn pair of flip-flops) and again came out with just one thing. So I'm on a pretty good roll so far.

Most of the stuff I took in yesterday was stuff I got there this past fall. Josh says I rent clothes. It's kind of awesome though! I mean I buy stuff, wear it all season, then take it back and get stuff for the next season. (Or, in this case, a Lord & Taylor cashmere sweater I spotted!) Much cheaper than buying, and my wardrobe is always changing.

It helps with my sewing too. It's much easier to alter clothes than it is to make new ones from scratch - but if I do want to make new ones, I buy something similar to what I'm making, then rip it up and use it as a pattern! It's also the cheapest way to buy really nice fabrics that I might otherwise be scared to try working with - I know that if I screw something up, it's just a $2 loss. (Yes, $2. Part of ReStore's appeal is that, unlike Goodwill, they have standard prices for all their clothing - whether it's worn, brand new, high end, or from Walmart.)

After ReStore yesterday we drove around a bunch. We took this one road not really knowing exactly where it would go...it was crazy, coming down the backside of the mountain it had these awful switch-backs, and some dude in a Ford F-3000 was driving up it with a boat! We had to pull off the road for him...luckily we were on the inside, so no chance of falling off the cliff or anything. We ended up on the other side of town, and Josh wanted to go out to the lake, but I felt bad about leaving Orion for so long. Plus it was getting close to sundown, and it was cold and possibly going to rain.

Today I slept all day. Literally. I don't know why I was so tired, but I got up once, then went back to bed, got up again, then went back and sat in bed, and fell asleep sitting up. I hope it's not a sign that I'm getting sick - I haven't gotten hungry yet, either. I don't feel sick, just lazy. Oh well. I'm going to go watch the Grammy's, and not care too much about what is going on.

Coming up this week: more cleaning, and a hunt for a large amount of film-sized canisters. And maybe the crystal mining farm. Not sure.

These things.

Remember how I mentioned yesterday that things were kind of weird? Well, they just got weirder. So, even though I can't don't really want to elaborate at the moment, I'll say this: we have a Very Awful Thing (it's not really that awful: just unexpected and costly) that we have to deal with in the next few months, followed by a Very Awesome (also costly, but totally expected) Thing happening in late summer/early fall. Actually, two Very Awesome Things happening in late summer/early fall.

Anyway. Nothing bad, nothing to worry about, but the point is, I may disappear for days or weeks at a time, but eventually it will all make sense.

I promise to try and make something new, or alter something, or at least write some words at least once a month.

Also, never thought I'd say this, but listening to Ke$ha's Deconstructed album - and it's incredibly good. She can actually sing!

Random updates

Ok, ok, I know, I promised a gluten free product review and didn't deliver. It's coming, at some point in time, but I'm going to quit setting timelines and just do it when I do it.

In other news, we may not have to travel after all. I really don't know. Neither does Josh at this point. Either way, I'm going to stop talking about that too, until we know something concrete.

Today was our 5 year wedding anniversary. We spent 90% of it in our pajamas and watching old seasons of NCIS. (I've recently gotten Josh hooked, so we're catching up on whatever we can't catch on USA marathons.) We did go out for dinner, and afterward made a run to Kroger for chocolate. My present didn't get here yet, mostly because BoA is stupid. (Long story.)

We finally got our Wal-mart gift cards (from the Black Friday deal we used to buy our phones) and we both spent them immediately - Josh ordered a giant bean bag and I ordered a kettle bell set. I can't wait for it to get here! I've been pretty dedicated with my working out this past month, and I'm excited about trying something different.

I've also been doing really good with eating - today's anniversary dinner marked only the third time I've eaten out this month. Everything else I've been cooking or preparing at home. I do keep a few frozen things as well as some cereal for days when I'm feeling lazy, but otherwise I've been consistent with my meal cooking. I'm quite proud of myself, and, honestly, am actually kind of glad that we might not have to go anywhere next month - trips are always hard for me to recover from, and in the past any time I've lost my momentum in my pursuit of healthiness, it's always been because of travel.

I really want to dye my hair again. Blueish/teal and purple. I don't know when it'll happen, but hopefully soon. I also wish my hair would hurry up and grow out. I didn't mind it being short (like really short) but I have absolutely had it with this funky in-between stage.

In case anyone is wondering, I haven't worked on the table and chairs because we haven't had a day warm enough. Believe me, I really want to have a comfortable place to sit and eat meals, so as soon as we have two or three days of the temperature being consistently over 65°, I'll hop on that project. In the meantime, though, I'm doing my best to enjoy the last couple of weeks of winter. (This is the south - for all I know Spring could arrive tomorrow.)

Christmas lights are so weird. I have two sets still up, and I don't intend to take them down, but one set, of pink ones, that I have in the kitchen, I've had for years. Almost ten years, I think - they're the old kind, green wire, single bulbs, and there's not one dead bulb. The other set, blue icicle lights, are from last year, and already there are two decent sized sections that are dead! Wish I could find more of the old kind...

This week, on Wednesday Josh and I drove up West Mountain and watched the sunset, and I took a bunch of pictures. Then, on Thursday, we had a gorgeous, pink and purple sunset. Figures. I managed to get one good shot out the window while we were crossing the lake on our way to get groceries, but it made me so mad! One day! Ughhh. Oh well. I'll catch the next one, hopefully. Here's the window shot:

White Christmas

Well, Christmas certainly proved to be an adventure this year! Dinner was a total bust. We had heated up the ham, and my mother-in-law had cooked stuffing (dressing? is there a difference? I don't eat the stuff), and some yams (sweet potatoes? again, something I don't eat) but my poor mashed potatoes were on the stove when the electricity went out...and never got mashed. Josh was supposed to be roasting a pork shoulder on the grill but ran out of charcoal (we didn't take into account the effect the below-freezing temperature would have on the grill, since it's not something we usually have to deal with.)

After that failed attempt we came inside, ate semi-cold ham, and played a card game by candlelight, then went back out and my brother-in-law built a fire out of one of my pallets (freezing rain all day had left us with no dry wood) and we heated up some water for coffee and hot chocolate. Not too much after that it started snowing and we all ran outside to play in it. It was cold, and wet, and absolutely, hands down, the Best Christmas Ever. (And my first white Christmas!)

It snowed hard for a good long while, and once it finally slowed down we walked around the block (so pretty!) and then brought Orion outside and let him play. He loved the snow. He was a little freaked out, though, because it messed with his sense of smell and he kept forgetting who Aaron (Joshs brother) was unless he talked to him.

After we came in, changed, and were trying to get warm two huge branches fell off the tree right next to our house...luckily they fell straight down and went in between our house and our neighbors fence, and didn't land on anything!

Our power didn't come back until last night, and we're under another winter weather advisory for tonight (snow and sleet that will turn to freezing rain when the sun comes up tomorrow) so I hope that the power stays on...but if it doesn't, at least we're prepared this time! Batteries charged, everything is washed, and we have plenty of non-perishables, paper plates, and candles.

I really didn't mind any of it, it's all one big adventure to me. The only thing that made me mad was that I hadn't thought to charge my camera battery before Tuesday so all the pictures I have of snow falling are on my phone. We went driving around town today, though, and I got some nice shots, but still...I should know better! Anyway, here's a few bunch of pictures of the snow, and a video of Orion trying to get into a snowball, because for some reason he kept thinking there was treasure inside of them or something.

Sorry if I bombarded you with pictures, but I can still count the number of times I've seen snow falling on one hand, and this was by far the most snow I've ever seen at once! It was just so exciting to me! I still love it, even the sloshy, dirty snow that's left out there. :)

Plans

Well it's been a busy, fun, and exciting holiday weekend, and it's not looking like things are going to slow down anytime soon! My in-laws brought me the table and chairs I wanted (!!!) along with another chair (and ottoman) I completely forgot about asking for. They're both in great condition, but have been sitting in a warehouse for...a few years at least, and have more than their share of dust and mud wasp houses on them. I hope to have at least the table done by Christmas; cleaned, stripped, stained, and sealed. The chair I absolutely love (the style/size are perfect), but since I'm supposed to get a couch in a few weeks, I'm going to wait so that I can pick a similar fabric to re-upholster it with.  

Here's all the chairs in our carport immediately after they unloaded them from the truck:

And you can see part of the table (the leaf is upside down on top of it) in the background of this picture of me after I smashed my phone with a hammer.

It's really gorgeous, I'll take better pictures soon, it's got a lot of detail in it, and it's the perfect size, but for the moment I'm just enjoying spending time with Josh and my mother-in-law. (The men went home Friday.)

Today (which for me, is still Saturday) we went to restore (I KNOW.) where I got three sweaters for re-purposing, and one for wearing. (I have to say, though, I actually have plans to make gifts for everyone this year, and so all these sweater are going to be made into matching accessory sets for various loved ones.) We also went to Michael's, where I got a few more Christmas things (ugghh 50% off), and out to see the Christmas lights at Garvan Gardens. I came home inspired and put up some lights around our front window (on the inside.)

Well, I'm pretty tired from all the adventuring we did today (probably should have worn better shoes for walking at the Gardens, but oh well) so I'm going to leave a few pictures of the lights here and get to bed. I hope everyone has had a great holiday!

Thanksgiving.

Since I'm sitting here at the computer and putting off cleaning and organizing anyway, I figure I might as well talk a bit about Thanksgiving; won't have time tomorrow, I'm going to have to be in OMGGETSTUFFDONENOW mode all day if I expect the house to be ready for company by Thursday morning!

First of all, let me give you a bit of a (personal) history lesson...

Growing up we (my parents, older brother, and I) lived in South Texas, while most of my extended family (on my dads side, anyway) lived in the general Houston area. We'd made the trip up there approximately once every two or three months. I can remember a few times that we made it for Thanksgiving, but it just wasn't a top priority. My dad worked the kind of job that can't exactly shut down for a holiday, no matter how spectacular; he was a prison guard. And he was never the kind to try and get holidays off. I remember how irritated he'd get at other people, right around the time the holiday schedule would come out; he'd call them names and say how ignorant and childish it was to be fighting over something like that. And so, over the years, it was just accepted that we celebrated life itself, when we could, and where we could. We made the trip for weddings, quinceañeras, and funerals, but holidays typically took a backseat to the stuff that really mattered.

As a result, I am not the kind to go crazy over holidays. I like Halloween because it's the time of year that I can find my favorite kinds of macabre decor a lot easier than usual, and I like Christmas because...well, it's Christmas! It is the only holiday that we really had any traditions for. Midnight mass was my favorite growing up! But, I digress, this is supposed to be about Thanksgiving, and I've already gone off on like 17 tangents.

Anyway, what I am trying to get at is that since it wasn't all that big of a deal, there wasn't any kind of 'everyone gather in the kitchen while mom cooks' kind of tradition, and as a result, my having to facilitate Thanksgiving kind of snuck up on me.

Our first year in Austin, my friend Sarah came up. I don't remember all the details, but I'm assuming that having company helped to remind me that preparations were necessary. A turkey was purchased, along with lingonberry AND cranberry sauce, potatoes, a can of green beans, and a pie from Marie Callendars. We drank sparkling grape juice that we workers got for free at Ikea when an entire pallet of them arrived with the labels half-scratched off. The next morning we woke up to find that Jefferson Marlowe, our Maine Coon at the time, had helped himself to the remainder of the turkey. Somehow that cat had pulled the whole tray off the stove onto the floor and hadn't spilled a drop!

The next year we went to Joshs aunts house, where he got wasted and took a bunch of pictures with Kenny Chesney.

Since then our Thanksgivings have taken place in various places between Texas and Arkansas, but they're always packed with adventure. I'm still working on getting the hang of having to bake more than usual, and hosting, in general, but it's gotten considerably better over the past 6 years.

And in conclusion, the point is that I am really bad at getting to the point. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, whether it's spent surrounded by family eating a huge meal, or with just your significant other eating frozen turkey dinners off of TV trays. Remember to make the most of every day, don't wait for a holiday to come around just to cook good food and spend time with loved ones and be thankful for what you have...and last but not least don't act too crazy if you go out on black Friday. The end.